Talking with Your Spouse About Sex and Connection

It can be really uncomfortable talking about relationship issues, whether it’s a struggle with communication, emotional distance, or intimacy/sexual issues. With the right support, however, you can talk about these important topics in a productive and empathetic way. 

We’re here to help. This article is about talking with your spouse about a healthy emotional connection and a satisfying sexual relationship.

Before You Talk: The Foundation of Connection

Before you have a meaningful talk about intimacy, you can take some steps to prepare.

The first step is to give some attention to non-sexual physical touch. It can’t be overstated how important this is. Research suggests that a lack of affectionate touch—like hugging, holding hands, or a simple kiss—can make you and your partner feel emotionally distant. 

In happy relationships, sex becomes a fun way to stay connected, but that connection is supported by positive interactions throughout the day. When you hug or hold hands, your body releases a hormone called oxytocin, which can reduce stress and helps you have feelings of wanting to stay close. So, start by finding small ways to touch and connect throughout your day. 

Here are some ways you might increase non-sexual physical touch and encourage it in your partner:

• Initiate small, everyday touches: Hold hands while walking or watching TV, offer a brief hug when passing by, or gently touch their arm during a conversation.
• Offer comforting touches: Place a hand on their back when they’re stressed, offer a shoulder rub, or snuggle up next to them on the couch.
• Incorporate touch into daily routines: Start a new routine of giving a kiss goodbye or hello. How about starting off each day with a morning hug?
• Cuddle more often: Spend time cuddling in bed, on the sofa, or while reading together, without any expectation of it leading to sex.
• Engage in playful touches: Lightly tickle, give a high-five, or offer a playful pat on the back.
• Ask for touch directly and gently: Use “I” statements to express your desire for touch, e.g., “I’d love a hug right now,” or “I’m feeling like I need some closeness.”
• Model the behavior: By initiating touch you create an environment where your partner feels more comfortable reciprocating.
• Pay attention to their preferences: Observe what types of touch your partner responds positively to and try to incorporate those more often. 
• Discuss the importance of non-sexual touch: Have an open conversation about how non-sexual touch helps you feel connected and how it can strengthen your bond.
• Express appreciation for their touch: When your partner initiates touch, acknowledge it positively with words or a reciprocal gesture, e.g., “That feels nice,” or “Thanks for holding my hand.”

Understanding Your Desire

Another key part of the foundation is understanding different types of desire. So many couples worry about mismatched libido. But a more accurate way to look at it is that desire can show up in different ways. Typically people experience desire in one or three main ways: 

• spontaneous desire, where a mental craving leads to a physical response. 
• responsive desire, where the desire starts in the body after physical engagement has begun. 
• contextual desire, where they only feel aroused once their surrounding environment feels stable, secure, and sexy. 

All are perfectly normal and healthy and you may experience more than one at different times. Think about how you generally experience desire and how it fits with your partner’s style. When you and your partner understand each other’s natural way of experiencing desire, you’ll be better prepared to have productive conversations.

How to Start the Conversation

Having this conversation can help you and your partner increase your emotional and physical connection. But you might be wondering, “How do I start this conversation without it turning into a fight?” or “Am I just going to embarrass myself, or both of us?” Try not to worry, a little preparation can help you have a conversation that brings you closer together.

 Here are a few tips: 

• Make sex talk normal. You can talk about sex anytime, especially before, during, and after intimacy. By talking about it at different times, you normalize the topic and make it part of an ongoing conversation, not a single, high-stakes event. Just make sure you are both relaxed, as comfortable as possible and have some time to talk. 
• Use “I” Statements. This is a foundational communication skill. Instead of saying, “You never want to have sex,” try using “I” statements, such as, “I feel lonely and disconnected when we don’t have physical closeness”. This approach focuses on your personal feelings and needs, which helps your partner not get defensive.  

“You” Statement (Likely Defensive Response)	“I” Statement (Promotes Openness)	How “I” Statement Helps Avoid Defensive Response
“You never initiate sex anymore.”	You know, I’ve just been feeling a little lonely and disconnected when we’re not physically close.	This shifts the focus from an accusation of what the partner isn’t doing to the speaker’s personal feelings and needs, making it less likely for the partner to feel attacked and more likely to empathize.
“You’re always too tired for intimacy.”	“I’m really missing our intimate moments, and sometimes I feel a bit rejected when we don’t connect that way. Is there anything we can do to make some time for it?”	Instead of blaming their tiredness, this expresses a personal feeling of missing connection and opens a door for collaborative problem-solving, rather than triggering a defensive explanation of their exhaustion.
“You’re not adventurous enough in bed.”	“Lately, I’ve been feeling like it would be fun to explore some new things in our intimacy, and I’d really love to chat about what that could look like for us.”	This turns a critique into a personal desire and an invitation for shared exploration, avoiding the implication that the partner is lacking or inadequate.
“You don’t understand what I need sexually.”	“I’m realizing I haven’t been super clear about what feels good to me, and I’d really like to open up and share more about what I need and desire.”	This takes responsibility for their own communication rather than blaming the partner for a lack of understanding, inviting a more open and collaborative discussion about needs.
“You’ve been so distant lately.”	“I’ve been feeling a bit of a distance between us lately, and honestly, I’m just really missing our emotional and physical closeness.”	This expresses a personal observation and feeling, focusing on the speaker’s experience of the distance rather than accusing the partner of being distant, which can lead to defensiveness or a feeling of being scrutinized.

• Practice Active Listening. Active listening is much more than just waiting for your turn to talk. Active listening means you are fully focused on what your partner is saying, genuinely trying to understand their perspective. When you really focus on seeing the world through your partner’s eyes, you help prevent misunderstandings and show your partner that their feelings matter to you. Once you have listened to them, summarize what you think you heard (in your own words) and ask if that is correct. Oftentimes your partner will provide clarification, improving communication! 
• Don’t Forget Non-Verbal Cues. Communication is about more than just words. Your body language, eye contact, and facial expressions can convey emotions without you saying anything at all. Do your best to be receptive to what your partner is sharing and help them feel comfortable talking with you about this sensitive topic. 
• Talk About Your Feelings. If you are nervous, which is completely normal, let your partner know as you begin. You might say, “I’m nervous and a bit embarrassed to talk about sex, but I really want us to have the best relationship.”                                                                                                 

When to Bring in a Professional

Openly communicating with each other is the best thing you can do to improve intimacy. But sometimes, the barriers to intimacy are too complex to overcome on your own. Remember, it is an act of strength – not weakness – to bring in a professional.

Here are some situations where it might be especially helpful to seek the support of a qualified therapist:

• You’re dealing with past trauma. Issues like unresolved abuse or trauma often require individual or couples therapy before you can effectively address sexual intimacy.
• Trust has been broken. If infidelity, a history of broken boundaries, or a long-term lack of intimacy has eroded trust, a professional can help you navigate these issues.
• Self-guided efforts haven’t worked. If you and your partner have tried to have these conversations but they always end in a fight or get nowhere, a professional can provide a safe, neutral space to discuss these vulnerable issues. They can help you develop empathy for one another, negotiate difficult conversations, and create a plan to move forward.

Even if communication has felt tense lately, a professional can help you find a path to healthy communication and healing. Remember that you’re on this journey together – no matter how different your perspectives may be. Trying to understand each other is the first step in a positive direction.