THE AURIT CENTER Welcome — we know it’s not easy, but we’re here to help you.
Feeling a mix of strong emotions is normal and okay. Talking about tough stuff is part of being a parent and it’s an opportunity to show your love. You don’t have to have all the answers. Just being there means so much.
And one thing’s for sure: you love your kids and want what’s best for them. Let’s make this conversation as loving and supportive as possible.
Research says that it’s not divorce itself that hurts kids, but what is harmful is parents fighting during and after the divorce. Choosing a low-conflict way forward, through divorce mediation, is one way you can help protect your kids.
It’s conflict, not divorce itself, that causes long-term harm to children.
An Aurit Center Certified Mediator is here to provide a caring, child-focused divorce process when you’re ready.
| Expert Tip | Start to separate your relationship as partners from your relationship as parents. Conflict from your marriage doesn’t have to continue now that you are co-parents. |
Before you talk to your kids, take some time to think about how you’re feeling. It’s normal to feel anxious or scared. Talking to a good friend, therapist, or someone you trust can help you sort out your feelings. Knowing how you feel will help you be there for your kids.
Tell your kids you’ve chosen divorce mediation and will work together to go through it.
Your kids have heard scary stories about divorce from their friends, but you can reassure them that your divorce will be different. If they are worried about what they’ve heard it’s important they understand that “this won’t be like their friends’ parents’ divorce.”
In mediation, you won’t go to court, and you’ll make decisions together, making a plan that best fits your family.
You can schedule a free consultation with an Aurit Center-certified mediator who will explain every topic in the Parenting Plan. Knowing what to expect will relieve your stress and give you more ability to provide structure moving forward.
Most child experts say it’s best to tell your kids about the divorce after you and your co-parent have agreed on a plan. This gives them some stability and answers. You can have answers to questions such as:
You don’t have to have all the answers. And it’s okay to feel unsure sometimes. Having a foundational understanding of the future will be the help you need.
You know your kids better than anyone. Think about what they may ask and prepare the same answers they can understand.
Here are some more questions that children have:
There aren’t perfect answers, and you don’t need to have them all right now. Most importantly, develop a mutual story with your co-parent about why the divorce is happening. You can be authentic while also sparing your children unnecessary details. Be clear that the decision has nothing to do with anything they did — it is not their fault. Explain with all the compassion in your heart that your love and care for them remains unconditional.
In mediation, your mediator will help you reach agreements on your home and schedules so you can give clear answers to your kids. Being united as parents will help them feel safe.
| Expert Tip | Always speak in a positive way about your co-parent and their extended family. Saying nothing is better than being negative. Making negative comments about a parent makes kids feel torn between their parents and bad about themselves. It is important to let your kids have their relationship with your co-parent, even if you don’t like the person. |
Take a deep breath and give yourself permission to have a thoughtful, caring — and yes, not perfect — conversation. Feeling uncomfortable or becoming emotional is expected, but you will get through it. Doing your best is enough.
Here are some tips to help:
Talk about how much you love them. Let them know you will always love them, no matter what changes come with the divorce.
Coordinate with your co-parent, if possible. It’s best to tell your kids about the divorce together so they only hear one story. If you tell them separately, it’s best that you say very similar things. As questions come up, having similar conversations with both parents can help them feel secure and trusting of brighter days ahead.
| Expert Tip
| “The idea that there may be multiple truths is beyond the grasp of most children since it requires a level of abstract thinking of which children are not yet capable (except, perhaps, for older teenagers). Thus, to help children come to terms with the fact of their parents’ divorce, it is most helpful for them to hear only one mutual and consistent story of why their parents split up.” Don Saposnek, Ph.D., clinical child psychologist, and family therapist, What Should We Tell the Children? Developing a Mutual Story of the Divorce |
Be honest and avoid details or blame. Kids can tell when we are not being truthful, which can make them feel insecure and frustrated. They need to know they can count on both of you without feeling they must choose sides. Being factual without infusing your own judgments or opinions can help you choose your words.
Talk about the changes that will happen. Things will be different, and that’s okay. With your Parenting Plan in mind, let your kids know that you’ve worked out a plan based on what’s best for them, that their feelings were at the forefront of your decisions, and that you and your co-parent will keep working together to make things as smooth as possible for them.
If you don’t have a Parenting Plan yet, reassure them that you will work together in mediation to make a plan and that they are the most important thing in all decisions.
Maintain boundaries in how you talk to them. Don’t ask your kids to carry messages between you and your co-parent. Even though divorce is tough on you, it’s not fair to them — and it is emotionally harmful — to place that responsibility on them. Your kids aren’t your therapist or mediator. If you realize you are doing it — it’s okay — you are human and everyone makes mistakes. Apologize quickly by acknowledging what happened and try not to do it again. Remember that you are teaching your children how to handle big feelings and conflict as you go through this.
| Expert Tip | Always think about what’s best for your kids, especially when things are tough between you and your co-parent. |
| Do | Don’t |
| Do remember your kids see things in their own way. | Don’t assume your kids feel the same way you do. |
| Do listen carefully and give your kids space to speak, even when it is hard to hear. They will open up with questions and deeper concerns when they feel safe. | Don’t react to their questions or get mad at them when they express feelings that may be painful for you. By allowing space, you show how much you love them. |
| Do collaborate with your co-parent on what you say to your kids. It is confusing when each parent says something different. | Don’t blame the other parent for the divorce. Children can hear messages about the other parents as information about themselves. |
| Do reassure your kids that you are here for them and your relationship is unwavering. | Don’t say things that put your kids in a position to take a side. |
| Do talk to your kids about why you are making this decision. It’s not because of anything they said or did. | Don’t place blame on the kids for the separation or divorce. Sometimes, kids believe it’s their fault. |
| Do be honest with your kids about what’s happening without sharing the details. | Don’t make up stories or say things that aren’t true. Kids feel insecure when they sense dishonesty. |
| Do positively reinforce the relationship your kids have with your co-parent. Supporting their relationship with the other parent strengthens your own relationship with them. | Don’t say negative things about your co-parent. Be aware of your words and tone and how your communication may ”put your kids” in the middle of conflict. |
| Expert Tip | Research shows that parents who mediate their divorce have better long-term relationships with their kids. |
Here are some sample scripts for talking to your kids, depending on their age. Most importantly, be yourself and express to your kids in ways that you know they will understand. Don’t worry about saying the “right” thing. Let your love for your children guide you.
For further support, there are many Books to Help Children Understand Divorce.
Ages 4-7:
“I have something to share with you. It might feel a little tough, but I believe it’s important for us to talk about it. Do you know how sometimes things change? For example, when [insert toy here] used to be your favorite toy, and now [insert toy here] is? Well, your mom/dad and I have decided to make a change and do something called ‘divorce.’ That means we won’t live together anymore, but we still love you very much.
We want you to understand three essential things. First, I love you so much. Second, your mom/dad loves you just as much. And third, no matter what, we will always be your parents.
I know this might feel strange and maybe a bit sad. It’s okay to feel that way. Both your mom/dad and I are feeling it, too. But you know what? Even though things are changing, we’ll figure it out together. We have chosen to work together to decide the best plan for all of us. We might need time to get used to it, but I promise we’ll be okay. We’ll always be here for each other.
We are here to listen if you have any questions or feelings you want to share. We are in this together, okay?”
Further resources are available on the Sesame Street website.
Ages 8-12:
“We want to talk to you about something that might be hard to hear, but it’s important. Your mom/dad and I have decided to divorce. This means we won’t be married anymore and will live in different houses. It’s a big change; we know that. And we know that things are going to feel different for a while.
We want you to know that a few things will never change, no matter what. First, I want you to know that I love you dearly. Second, your mom/dad loves you just as much. And third, we will always be your parents.
I know this is a lot to take in, and feeling sad or confused is okay. We are feeling it, too. Even though things are changing, we’ll be OK. We have chosen to work together in a process called ‘mediation’ to decide the best plan for us and you as we plan for what’s next. We might need time to adjust, but we’ll get through this.
If you have any questions or feelings you want to talk about, we’re here for you. Remember, we love you, and we’ll always be here for you no matter what.”
Ages 13-17:
“We want to talk to you about something really important, and we want you to know we are here for you. Your mom/dad and I have decided to divorce. It’s a big decision, and it means we won’t be married anymore. We’ll live in separate houses, and things are going to change.
We want you to understand a few things that won’t change no matter what. First, I love you deeply, and that will never change. Second, your mom/dad loves you just as much. And third, no matter what happens, we will always be your parents.
We know this news might feel overwhelming. You might have a lot of emotions that you’re trying to balance. It’s difficult for us too. But we truly believe that even though things are changing, we’ll all be okay. We have chosen to work together in a process called ‘mediation’ to decide the best plan for us and you as we plan for what’s next. We want you to know that working things out thoughtfully is more important to us than arguing.
We’ll all need some time to adjust, but we want you to know that we are here to support you. If you have any questions or need someone to talk to.”
Further Reading: Children’s Reactions To The News of Divorce: What They Need From You
| Expert Strategy | Love your kids more than you are angry at your co-parent. |
Take a deep breath. You had the conversation with your kids, something you have been planning for some time now.
If helpful, take time to process how the conversation went with a friend. It can be challenging to recognize and receive the feelings that your children may initially feel due to the divorce. This is okay and normal! Allow them to feel their emotions and find opportunities to listen and support them.
| Expert Strategy | Focus on your kids’ long-term adjustment rather than having a case of “fun parent syndrome.” You create stability and security for your kids when you act as their parent rather than solely trying to fill their time with you with smiles and laughter. Going through challenging transitions and facing the inevitable discomfort together will make your relationship stronger and your kids more resilient moving forward. Kids can feel quite uneasy when they aren’t |
Remember to have fun with them. Even after this challenging conversation, consider doing their favorite activity or planning a fun day together. If they need space, that’s okay too! Respect wherever they might be.
| Expert Strategy
| Many families find it helpful to use a Children’s Bill of Rights in Divorce, which states that every child has the right:
Robert E. Emery, Ph.D., is Professor of Psychology and Director of the Center for Children, Families, and the Law at the University of Virginia |
By choosing mediation, even difficult conflicts can be worked through thoughtfully and peacefully. The information and strategies listed above can benefit you and your children long into the future.
This experience is an opportunity to role-model resilience and positivity for your children. You can remain true to your values and bring your best self to mediation.
As you support your kids, you can help them grow in their sense of personal safety, emotional intelligence, ability to manage conflict, and their love and respect for you.
Aurit Center Certified Mediators support you both in reaching agreements that best support your children’s interests. They help you understand common childhood responses to divorce and help you explore creative options that make sense for your family.
We commend you for your thoughtfulness and care in this conversation. If you have questions, please contact The Aurit Center for Divorce Mediation.
Have questions? We are here to help.
