50 Years of Research: Protecting Your Kids During Divorce

Parents going through divorce want to know, “How will this affect my kids?” Divorce is a big change for the whole family, and understandably, parents want to protect their children. The good news is that over 50 years of research has given us insight into the long-term effects of divorce on children, and more importantly, how parents can lessen any negative impact. The main takeaway from the research is clear: it’s not the divorce itself that causes lasting problems. Instead, it’s how parents approach this big life change, and especially, how much parental conflict the kids are exposed to.

In this article, we’ll dive into the research about how to protect the well-being of children through divorce. We’ll look at how ongoing conflict between parents can affect kids over time, share ways to protect your children during divorce, and explain how mediation helps you make child-focused decisions together. 

The Overriding Research Finding: How Parental Conflict Harms Children

From the earliest groundbreaking studies to the most recent findings, one truth consistently emerges: “Conflict, not the divorce itself, causes long-term harm to children.” (Rheinstein, 1972, as cited in Saposnek, 1998).

Decades of studies confirm that it’s the ongoing, exposed, and often escalating conflict between parents that inflicts the deepest wounds during and after divorce, far more than the marital separation itself. As a core finding, research consistently shows that “The more overt the parental conflict, the more disturbed children are likely to be.” (Johnson, 1989).

Children caught in the middle of their parents’ battles often experience profound loyalty conflicts, feeling torn between the two most important people in their lives. As Wallerstein and Kelly (1980, as cited in Saposnek, 1998) observed, “When parents continued fighting after the divorce … children had a great deal of difficulty accepting and integrating the divorce.” Such a constant “tug-of-war” greatly intensifies their difficulties, leading to profound emotional distress.

Understanding Potential Long-Term Impacts (If Conflict is High/Unmanaged)

When exposed to high, unmanaged parental conflict, children can endure a range of emotional, psychological, social, and even behavioral challenges. Research indicates that the strain of prolonged conflict can lead to serious difficulties:

• Emotional/Psychological: Children may experience heightened anxiety, depression, pervasive guilt (often believing the divorce is their fault), persistent sadness, anger outbursts, and lower self-esteem. They may live with a fear of abandonment or develop emotional sensitivity.
• Social/Relational: Studies show difficulties in forming secure attachments and healthy relationships, social withdrawal, and poor peer relations. The constant exposure to parental hostility can distort their understanding of intimacy and trust. “Children of ‘high conflict litigants’ endure distortions of self-image, passivity, impaired functioning, distorted perspectives about life events, and difficulties in ‘initiating or completing tasks,’ ‘sustaining intimacy,’ and ‘relating to others’.” (Sauer, J. J. 2007).
• Behavioral: Children might exhibit anger, irritability, impulsivity, and may engage in risky behaviors such as substance use, early sexual activity, or delinquency. Academic decline is also a frequently observed outcome.
• Physical: Prolonged stress from conflict can even manifest physically, increasing susceptibility to illness and chronic health issues.

Beyond these individual impacts, long-term research highlights broader societal consequences linked to high-conflict divorce, including reduced adult income, higher rates of incarceration, teen births, and premature mortality. These outcomes are often connected to factors like income loss, multiple residential moves, and reduced parental supervision that stem from unmanaged conflict post-divorce. As Sauer (2007) noted, “An estimated two million children in the United States over the past two decades have been caught in an endless cycle of their parents’ high-conflict litigation ‘passing in and out of a revolving court door’.” This cycle of ongoing legal battles is a potent source of harm.

Research-Backed Strategies for Protecting Your Children During Divorce (Child-Centered Approach)

The good news is that parents hold significant power in shaping their children’s experience. Drawing on decades of research, here are key child-centered strategies:

Shield Children from Conflict

This is the most critical protective factor. Research consistently shows that minimizing children’s exposure to parental conflict is paramount.

• Avoid Arguing in Front of Them: Shield your kids from seeing or hearing you argue. 
• Maintain Boundaries: Never discuss legal, financial, or adult relationship issues with your children. Do not use them as messengers or confidantes.
• Use a Positive or Neutral Tone: Always maintain a neutral or, ideally, positive tone when speaking about the other parent. 
• Work as a Co-Parenting Team: Don’t force children to choose sides. As Wallerstein and Kelly (1980, as cited in Saposnek, 1998) emphasized, “When children are frequently coerced or cajoled into taking sides in parental battles, [this] creates a terrible conflict in them of divided loyalties. Such a tug-of-war greatly compounds children’s difficulties.”

Maintain Consistency & Stability

Predictability provides comfort and security during a period of significant change.

• Consistent Routines: Keep the regular mealtimes, bedtimes, chores, and school routines as much as possible.
• Predictable Parenting Time: Reaching parenting agreements in mediation before you talk with your kids allows you to provide clear and consistent parenting time schedules.
• Extracurriculars: Continue their participation in school, sports, and other activities.
• Minimize Disruption: If possible, minimize residential moves or school changes immediately after the divorce.
• Support Relationships: Help kids maintain positive relationships with extended family and friends.

Foster Open, Age-Appropriate Communication

Children need to feel heard and reassured.

• Actively Listen: Pay attention to their feelings and questions without judgment and without trying to ‘fix’ everything. Letting them know that you hear them and care about them goes a long way.
• Validate Emotions: Let them know it’s okay to feel sad, angry, confused, or scared. It’s normal and expected that kids will go through many emotions.
• Honest but Simple Answers: Provide age-appropriate information honestly but avoid overwhelming them with adult details or criticisms of the other parent. 
• Reassurance: Consistently reassure them that the divorce is not their fault, that both parents love them, and that they will be cared for.
• United Front: It is very helpful to present a united front when discussing the divorce or any related decisions with your children. Many parents find it helpful to complete their first meeting with an Aurit Mediator before talking with their kids. This allows them to establish their unique parenting plan and give the kids clear and consistent information from the first conversation. 

Prioritize Cooperative Co-Parenting

Working together cooperatively as co-parents is a cornerstone of protecting your children.

• Child-Focused Parenting Plan: Develop a detailed parenting plan that prioritizes your children’s best interests and meets your families unique needs.
• Civil Communication: Maintain respectful and civil communication about child-related matters. Working together in mediation to develop your parenting plans sets a solid foundation for healthy co-parenting. In your plan, you can establish how you will communicate with your co-parent to best support your kids. Utilizing co-parenting apps or email for important discussions can minimize direct conflict. Your mediator can suggest agreements that will help you long into the future.
• Consistency in Parenting: Agree on and present consistent rules, expectations, and discipline. There will need to be some flexibility but having these discussions in mediation can help you avoid disagreement and help you provide stability for your kids. 
• Encourage Both Relationships: Actively support and encourage your children’s positive relationship with the other parent. When you convey positive messages about your co-parent, kids feel a sense of security and are better able to adjust. Parental alienation can be very damaging and lead to long-term mental health issues for the children of divorce. 

Seek Professional Support When Needed

Recognize when your child, or you, could benefit from professional help.

• Child Therapists: A child therapist can provide a safe, neutral space for your children to process their emotions and develop coping skills.
• Parenting Coordinators or Divorce Coaches: These professionals can assist parents in developing effective co-parenting strategies and resolving disputes outside of court.
• Divorce Parenting Classes: Many courses offer valuable insights and tools for navigating post-divorce parenting.
• Watch for Signs of Struggle: Be attentive to changes in your child’s sleep patterns, appetite, grades, behavior at school, or increased anxiety and irritability.

Mediation as a Powerful Protective Factor for Children

Given that parental conflict is the primary driver of negative impact of divorce on children long-term, choosing a divorce process that actively reduces this conflict is paramount. This is where divorce mediation shines as a powerful protective factor for children.

• Reduces Parental Conflict: Mediation provides a structured, calm, and private environment where spouses are guided to communicate respectfully. This contrasts sharply with litigation, where, as Saccuzzo (2003) noted, “Litigation increases trauma and escalates conflict.” By choosing mediation, you actively choose a path that limits your children’s exposure to conflict.
• Promotes Cooperative Co-Parenting: Mediation inherently builds communication and problem-solving skills between parents, laying a solid foundation for long-term cooperative co-parenting. Saposnek (1998) emphasized, “Mediation helps spouses better transition to their new co-parenting roles in a healthy way, which helps kids adjust.”
• Prioritizes the Child’s Best Interests: The core focus of divorce mediation, especially in child-related matters, is always the needs of the children. Mediators guide parents through child-centered conversations to create parenting plans and solutions that are truly tailored to their children’s unique needs, rather than a judge imposing a generic ruling.
• Leads to Faster, Less Stressful Resolutions: Mediation’s efficiency means that children are exposed to less prolonged uncertainty. A quicker, more peaceful resolution allows families to stabilize and rebuild sooner.
• Empowers Parents to Create Customized Solutions: Parents, not a judge, create the specific terms for their children’s lives, ensuring plans that genuinely work for their family’s dynamics and the children’s specific needs.
• Preserves Resources: The financial savings gained through mediation mean more resources remain available for the children’s education, activities, and overall well-being.
• Models Respectful Communication: By observing their parents resolve differences respectfully through mediation, children gain a valuable model for healthy conflict resolution in their own lives.

For more insights into how divorce affects children and the role of amicable resolution, you can also refer to our article on How Divorce Affects Kids.

Investing in Your Children’s Future Through a Mindful Divorce

Decades of research show that you, as parents, have the power to profoundly shape your children’s lives during and after divorce. By actively choosing a process that minimizes conflict and prioritizes their well-being, you are making a critical investment in their long-term emotional health, stability, and future relationships.

Choosing a process like mediation is not just about resolving legal issues; it’s about fostering a child-centered divorce that provides a clear, compassionate, and constructive path forward for your entire family.

Understanding research about how to protect kids during divorce is the first step toward a healthier future. To learn more about how mediation can help you foster a child-centered divorce, contact Aurit Mediation and schedule a confidential consultation. Prioritize your children’s well-being throughout your divorce journey. Discover the divorce mediation benefits for children by visiting AuritMediation.com anytime.

External References (as cited in original prompt/quotes):

• Emery, R. E. (2004). The Truth about Children and Divorce: Dealing with the Emotions So You and Your Children Can Thrive. Viking.
• O’Hara, K. L., Sandler, I. N., Wolchik, S. A., & Tein, J. Y. (2019). Coping in context: The effects of long-term relations between interparental conflict and coping on the development of child psychopathology following parental divorce. Development and psychopathology, 31(5), 1695-1713.
• Saccuzzo, D. P. (2003). The Nature of Divorce: A Psychological Perspective. (This citation seems to be from a book by Saccuzzo.
• Saposnek, D. T. (1998). Mediating Child Custody Disputes: A Systematic Guide for Family Therapists, Court Counselors, Attorneys, and Mediators (Revised ed.). Jossey-Bass. (Citing Rheinstein, 1972 and Wallerstein & Kelly, 1980)
• Sauer, J. J. (2007). Children of High Conflict Litigation: The Revolving Court Door. Family Court Review, 45(4), 587-598.
• Wallerstein, J. S., & Kelly, J. B. (1980). Surviving the Breakup: How Children and Parents Cope with Divorce. Basic Books. (Cited in Saposnek, 1998)