Holiday Budgeting for Co-Parents

Navigating the holidays can be tough for parents. You want to give your kids a magical time, while also needing to manage money and stress. This guide will give you some simple steps for holiday budgeting for co-parents to make the holidays peaceful and affordable.

Step 1: Make a Plan Before You Spend Money

With their busy schedules, many co-parents wait until the last minute to talk about holiday plans. But when you wait, it’s easy for small disagreements to become big fights. The best thing to do is make a plan together before the holiday rush.

Talk About It in October (or Earlier)

It might seem early, but talking about the holidays in October or early November is a smart move. Waiting until December means trying to figure things out while you’re already busy with parties, school events, and more. This just makes everything feel stressful and can lead to arguments.

Here are some items you might want to discuss before the holidays: 

1. Scheduling and Logistics

• Holiday Schedule:
  • What days will the kids spend with each of you for each holiday (e.g., Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year’s)?
  • What are the exact times for drop-offs and pick-ups?
  • Will there be a special schedule for school breaks (e.g., winter break)?
  • What happens if plans change due to a snow day or other event?
• Travel Plans:
  • Are there any travel plans for the holidays?
  • Where are the kids going?
  • What are the travel dates and times?
  • How will you share travel information (flight numbers, hotel names, etc.)?

2. Holiday Traditions and Celebrations

• Sharing Traditions:
  • Which holiday traditions are important to each of you and to the kids?
  • Will you share any traditions, or will you have separate ones?
    • Examples: Decorating the tree, baking cookies, watching a special movie, lighting a menorah.
• Attending Events:
  • Will you attend any holiday events together (e.g., a school play, a family dinner)?
  • If not, how will you handle attending separately?

3. Communication and Rules

• Communication Plan:
  • What is the best way to communicate during the holidays (e.g., text, phone call, email)?
  • How often will you communicate?
  • Is it okay to call the kids while they are with the other parent? What are the rules for this?
• House Rules:
  • What are the rules for bedtime, screen time, or chores during the holidays?
  • Is it okay for the kids to have treats or sweets?

4. Gifts and Presents

• Gift-Giving:
  • Will you buy gifts together or separately?
  • How will you handle gifts from family members (grandparents, aunts, uncles)?
  • What is the plan for Santa gifts or other special traditions?

In mediation, all of these items can be discussed to help set you both up for the healthiest co-parenting relationship after divorce. Having tough conversations with the support of an expert mediator makes all the difference.

Create a Simple Holiday Budget

Once you’ve decided on the holiday schedule in mediation, it’s time to talk about money. Remember – this conversation is about being a team and creating a plan together to keep conflict low. Make a list of all the things you’ll need to buy, and consider discussing the following:

1. Financials

• Gift Budget:
  • Is there a budget for gifts for the kids?
  • Do you want to agree on a total amount or an amount per gift?
  • Will you exchange a list of what the kids want?
• Shared Costs:
  • How will you handle holiday expenses like decorations, special meals, or tickets to events?
  • Will you split costs or pay for them separately?

Important Reminders

• Focus on the Kids: Remember that the goal is for the kids to have a wonderful holiday, no matter what.
• Be Flexible: Life can be unpredictable, especially during the holidays.
• Keep it Positive: Try to keep your discussions positive and focused on solving problems, not on old disagreements.
• Document Everything: Write down your final agreements so there are no misunderstandings later.

After you have your list, you can decide who will pay for what. You might split everything evenly, or one parent might pay for travel while the other pays for gifts. The most important thing is that you both are on the same page. 

Step 2: Handle Gifts Like a Team

Gifts can feel complicated, but they don’t have to be. The best gift you can give your kids is a holiday of healthy co-parenting.

It’s Not a Contest 

It’s tempting for parents to try to buy the “best” or most expensive gift. But trying to “out-gift” the other parent is a bad idea. When one parent buys a super fancy gift and the other can’t, it makes kids feel uncomfortable and sad. They might feel like they have to choose a favorite parent. Instead, working as a team so that you can both give the kids some gifts that they want is best.

Team Up on Big Gifts

If your children want a really expensive toy or game, you and your co-parent can buy it together. You can split the cost and give it to the child as a gift “from both of us.” This saves you money and shows your children that you are a team.

Make a Shared Wish List

To avoid buying the same things, create a shared list online or in an app. Ask your kids to put all their gift ideas on the list. Then, you and your co-parent can check the list and decide who will buy what. This makes sure your child gets what they want and avoids double presents.

Give Fun Experiences, Not Just Toys

Remember that the best memories aren’t always about the things you unwrap. You can give a “gift certificate” for something fun you can do together, like:

• Having a holiday movie marathon with hot chocolate. ☕
• Baking and decorating cookies together. 🍪
• A special pajama trip to look at holiday lights. 🎄

These activities are often free or low-cost and can be more meaningful than a new toy.

Step 3: Keep the Peace

All of your planning is for one main reason: to make the holidays peaceful and happy for your kids.

Tell Your Kids the Plan Together

Kids worry a lot about where they will be for the holidays. Once you have a schedule, sit down with your kids and tell them the plan in a happy, calm voice. Say something like, “We have a great plan! You’ll be at Mom’s house on Christmas Eve to make cookies, and then you’ll be at Dad’s house on Christmas morning to open presents.” This helps your kids feel safe and know that you are working together.

Help Them Give a Gift to the Other Parent

This might sound strange, but it’s a huge gift for your child. Take them shopping or help them make a card for their other parent. This shows your child that it’s okay, and even good, to love and appreciate both of you. 

Create New Traditions

It’s okay to feel sad about old family traditions. But this is also a great chance to create new ones! Talk to your kids about what they’d like to do. Maybe one house can be the “Christmas Pajama Party” house, and the other can be the “Holiday Breakfast” house. Creating new traditions helps everyone get excited about the future.

What to Do if You Can’t Agree

Sometimes, it feels like you just can’t agree on something. If a conversation gets too heated, stop talking and try to write down your thoughts in an email or a message in a co-parenting app. Wait a day, reread the email, and see if you want to make any edits before sending. This can keep things calm and focused.

If you’re still stuck, it’s a good idea to get help from a mediator. A mediator is a neutral person who can help you and your co-parent work out your disagreements in a fair way. Asking for help isn’t a sign of failure; it’s a smart way to protect your kids from a lot of stress.

Take Care of Yourself, Too ❤️

The holidays can be stressful. When your kids are with their other parent, use this as an opportunity to prioritize you. Call a friend, visit family, or just relax with a good book. Taking care of yourself helps you be a calm and happy parent for your kids. And it helps your kids to know you are having fun too. 

The most important gift you can give your kids is knowing that their parents can work together to give them a peaceful and happy holiday.