THE AURIT CENTER 
After 50 years of research on marriage and divorce in America, one truth stands clear: While divorce itself impacts children, it’s the level of conflict between parents that causes the deepest and most lasting harm. Yet our legal system continues to push couples toward adversarial litigation that inflames tensions rather than reducing them.
The statistics are sobering. Research shows that children raised in high-conflict divorces face significantly higher rates of behavioral problems, academic struggles, and emotional difficulties that can persist well into adulthood. Studies have found that kids in homes with high marital hostility have chronically elevated stress hormone levels compared to other children – a physiological indicator of the toll that parental conflict takes.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. Divorce mediation offers a proven alternative that helps parents work together to create solutions focused on their children’s wellbeing rather than “winning” against each other. Unlike litigation, which positions ex-spouses as enemies, mediation provides a structured framework for resolving differences while maintaining enough goodwill to effectively co-parent.
The research supporting mediation’s benefits is compelling. Couples who go through mediation rather than litigation report significantly lower levels of conflict both during and after divorce. They’re more likely to stick to their agreements about custody and visitation. Most importantly, their children show better adjustment and fewer negative effects compared to kids whose parents went through bitter court battles.
None of this should be surprising. Litigation by its very nature escalates tensions, encouraging spouses to build cases against each other and air grievances in public. Mediation, in contrast, helps couples develop problem-solving skills they can use long after the divorce is finalized. It gives them tools to handle disagreements without putting their children in the middle.
Yet despite the clear evidence that mediation better serves families, our legal system remains oriented toward litigation. Many couples aren’t even made aware that mediation is an option. Others are steered toward court battles by well-meaning but misguided lawyers who equate aggressive representation with zealous advocacy.
It’s time for a fundamental shift in how we handle divorce in America. Making mediation the default rather than the exception would reduce the emotional and financial costs of divorce while better protecting children from toxic conflict. Some jurisdictions have already moved in this direction, requiring couples to attempt mediation before proceeding to litigation.
This isn’t about making divorce easier – it’s about making it less destructive. Even when marriages can’t be saved, we can do much more to ensure that families emerge from divorce able to maintain civil relationships focused on their children’s needs rather than their own grievances.
The research is clear: A peaceful divorce is far better for children than a hostile marriage. But an adversarial divorce can be just as harmful as the dysfunctional marriage it sought to end. For the sake of the million-plus American children who experience divorce each year, it’s time to change our approach. Mediation won’t eliminate all conflict, but it offers our best hope for helping families navigate divorce with minimal collateral damage to the next generation.
The choice between litigation and mediation isn’t just a practical one – it’s a moral one. We know what works better for families. Now we just need the wisdom and will to make it happen.
