Should We Delay Our Divorce For the Holidays? A Guide to Making the Best Choice for Your Family

The holidays are a time for fun, family, and happy traditions. But when parents are having a tough time getting along and are talking about divorce, this time of year can feel challenging. Because of this, many people ask a difficult question: should we start the divorce process now, or wait until after the new year?

This guide will help you think about this big decision. We’ll look at the reasons to wait and the reasons to start the divorce now. Every family is different, so the right choice for one family might not be the right choice for another. The goal is to help you decide what’s best for you and your family.

Why Some People Wait Until After the Holidays

Sometimes, it makes a lot of sense for parents to wait. This isn’t about running away from the problem; it’s about being smart and caring about the family’s feelings.

Giving Your Kids a “Normal” Holiday

Many parents want to protect their kids from any unnecessary sadness during the holidays. They want to make sure their kids can enjoy all the holiday fun without worrying about a major family change. Parents hope to give their kids more happy memories as a family all together.

Waiting can give parents more time to talk to their kids about the divorce after the holidays are over. By then, kids are back in school and back to their normal routines. This can make the news feel less scary because life is already back to normal.

Money and Other Practical Reasons

There are also smart money reasons to wait. For example, if one parent gets a big work bonus at the end of the year, waiting to get divorced means that money can be shared between both parents.

Also, the holidays are a time when people spend a lot of money on gifts and trips. It can be expensive to hire a lawyer, yet alone at the last minute. And even when choosing a more affordable process like mediation, some families still find it helpful to wait until January, since they might have more money to handle the costs of a divorce.

Why Moving Forward Now Might Be Better

Even though waiting can seem like a good idea, it’s not always the best choice. For many families, waiting can cause more problems than it solves.

It’s Hard to “Fake It”

Pretending to be a happy family when you’re not is very tiring. It can feel like a big performance for a whole month. This can make everyone feel more stressed and ultimately sad. Children can often tell when their parents are upset or angry, even if no one says anything. This can make the holiday season feel tense, forced,  and not very fun for anyone.

The Big Reason: Too Much Fighting

The most important thing to think about is how much the parents are arguing or fighting. Experts say that it’s not the divorce itself that hurts kids the most, but their parents fighting. Living in a home where there is anger, yelling, or cold silence can be really harmful for kids. It can make them feel anxious, sad, and even cause problems in school.

If waiting until after the holidays means the kids have to live in a house full of fighting for a few more weeks, it might be much healthier for everyone to start the divorce process now.

Note: If there is any kind of abuse in the home (hitting, yelling, or making someone feel bad), the most important thing is to be safe. It is never a good idea to delay a separation if it puts someone in danger.

What Do Kids Really Need?

When parents are deciding what to do, they often wonder what’s best for their kids. Kids don’t need a family with two parents under one roof as much as they need to feel safe and loved. A home with lots of fighting is not a safe place, even if both parents are there. A home with two separate, peaceful houses is much better for a child’s happiness.

Kids Know More Than You Think

Kids are very good at sensing when things are not right at home. Even if parents try to hide their problems, kids can feel the tension. It’s confusing for them when their parents are acting angry but pretending to be happy.

What kids need most is for their parents to stop fighting. If the parents can get along and be kind to each other, a divorce can actually be better for everyone involved in the long run.

How Kids of Different Ages React

Kids of different ages will handle a divorce differently. 

• Little kids (ages 0-5): They likely won’t understand what divorce is. This being said, they can still feel when there’s stress between their parents. When dealing with this stress, they might get clingy, cry more, or have trouble sleeping. Keeping things as positive as possible  between you and your co-parent is very important.
• School-aged kids (ages 6-11): They might feel sad about the family breaking up. They might feel like they have to choose a favorite parent. It’s important to tell them that the divorce is not their fault and that you both love them (and that won’t ever  change).
• Teenagers (ages 12+): They might get angry or feel betrayed. They may start to question a lot of things. It’s important to be honest with them (without placing blame on either parent) and not make them a go-between for the parents.

No matter the age, a child’s main need is to feel safe and loved by both parents. Assuring them of your love and support in your initial conversation with them about the divorce will really set the tone.

A Plan for a Kinder Holiday

If you and your co-parent decide to move forward with the divorce, there are ways to make the holiday season go more smoothly.

• Make a plan: Talk with your spouse about the holidays ahead of time. Decide who will have the kids and when. Having a plan can help everyone feel less stressed. You can start in mediation, where the two of you can come to agreements and create a parenting plan that will allow you to provide clear answers to your kids. This is incredibly helpful to their adjustment. 
• Keep some traditions, but make new ones too: It’s good to keep some holiday traditions the same for the kids. But it’s also a chance to start new traditions that are special to each new home. Your mediated parenting plan can address traditions that are important to each of you.  
• Don’t say bad things about the other parent: This is very important. To support your kids’ well-being, commit to never talk badly about the other parent in front of them. It can really hurt them. Kids should feel free to love both parents without feeling guilty. 

By handling the first holiday season after a separation with kindness and clear communication, parents can show their kids that they can still work together as a team for the sake of the kids. This sets up a great example for the future.

What’s the Right Choice for Your Family?

There is no single “right” answer. The best choice depends on what’s best for your family at this moment.

• If you and your partner can be calm and respectful, waiting might work for you. It could give everyone a chance to prepare and finish the year on a peaceful note.
• If there is a lot of fighting and tension, or if waiting adds to the anxiety, moving forward might be the best choice. It can bring a sense of relief and a chance to start healing sooner.

The main question to ask is: “Which choice will make our home a more peaceful and safe place for the kids right now?”

No matter what you decide, know that thinking about these things carefully shows how much you love your family. Trust your gut, talk with your spouse, and don’t be afraid to ask for help from a professional mediator. At The Aurit Center for Divorce Mediation, we offer a less stressful and less costly divorce process that focuses on your kids’ wellbeing and keeps you out of court. You can get through this and create a happier future for everyone.