THE AURIT CENTER If you and your spouse are considering a trial separation, you’re not alone. Many spouses explore ways to improve their situation or navigate their next steps — whether that means reconciliation or parting ways.
Think of a trial separation as a break — a chance to breathe and reflect on your relationship. It can help you either find that spark again or decide it’s best to go your separate ways.
In this article, we’ll explore what trial separation means. We’ll look at how this option may help you move forward.
A trial separation gives spouses a chance to consider their marriage. For many, it is a time to decide how best to move forward. Forward might be reconciliation, trial separation, legal separation, or divorce.
A trial separation differs from a legal separation, which happens when spouses decide to permanently physically separate and end the financial relationship between each other. A trial separation lets you reflect and grow without getting caught up in legalities. A trial separation may include residential or financial changes depending upon what you and your spouse decide. It is a chance for you and your spouse to figure out what you really want for the future.
Marital relationships can hit rough patches that are tough to overcome. In times like these, a successful trial separation can relieve some pressure. It can give you much-needed space to clear your head and avoid making any rash decisions.
Let’s look at some common reasons why spouses choose trial separation:
For spouses who often argue, a trial separation could help break the pattern. A bit of distance can help them find better ways to talk with each other. Many find it easier to honestly share what they’re thinking and feeling after spending some time apart.
Broken trust can affect a marriage significantly. A trial separation gives both spouses time to figure out next steps. Marital counseling can be helpful when trying to rebuild broken trust.
Sometimes, spouses feel unsure about their own identity and unsure about what they want. A trial separation is a chance for them to focus on themselves and figure out who they want to be.
When spouses aren’t working together effectively, everyday tasks, like taking care of kids, work, and finances, can put stress on their relationship. A trial separation can help them gain some perspective.
Thinking about a trial separation means you’re taking a serious look at what you and your partner really want from life and each other. This time can be the key to figuring out those big questions. Whether you reconcile or not, a trial separation is about seeking peace of mind and clarity.
Starting a trial separation can feel like stepping into unknown territory. That’s a normal and expected feeling during this transition. It might be helpful to know that many people have walked this path successfully and found an outcome that brought them peace.
Like any major decision, there are many considerations in a trial separation.
Here are some of the considerations you might experience:
A little space can lead to some perspective that can have a big impact.
Taking a break from being together all the time can allow you to see your marriage from a different angle. This distance can help you to make decisions about how best to move forward.
Deciding to have a trial separation can feel both lonely and scary. You might worry about the future or miss the comfort of knowing your spouse is nearby. These feelings are normal, and they can make separation tough to handle.
Having some space gives you a chance to think about your life and what you need. You can look at how you’ve contributed to your marriage and what you dream about for your future.
For some spouses, the physical separation period and reflection time make it clear that it’s best to go their separate ways. This can be a painful realization, but it can also be a step toward finding peace and acceptance.
After a cooling-off period of time, you might find that it’s easier to talk to your spouse about heavy topics. This can be a reset button for your communication. You can approach future discussions with a clear head and a calm heart.
A break can reveal new pieces of yourself you weren’t aware of. It’s important to be patient and really listen to yourself and each other. Explore each other’s new perspectives. When there are hard feelings or trust issues, you can identify and set goals to move your life forward in a positive way.
It’s normal to feel a range of emotions during a trial separation. Whether you find your way back to each other or you choose to lead separate lives, what you discover about yourself and your relationship is important. Think of this time as a chance for the two of you to become happier versions of yourselves.
A trial separation can be a turning point in a marriage, whether that means reconciling or parting ways.
Setting clear goals and expectations, along with agreeing on how to handle things like childcare during the break, can help guide this process.
Working with a mediator to create a parenting plan or agreements about splitting assets and debts in the event of a divorce can provide clarity about how best to move forward.
When both spouses commit to using their trial period to reflect, they can both emerge from this time with peace and understanding.
Starting a trial separation is a big step. But remember, you’re not walking this path by yourself. Here are 12 tips to guide and support you during your trial separation period:
1. Set clear goals: Agree with your spouse on the basics, like the length of the separation and what your living arrangements will be. This sets a solid foundation for this time apart. You may decide to begin working with a mediator to reach agreements.
2. Be honest: Having a conversation about your expectations of each other makes a world of difference. Writing down an informal agreement you reach together can help avoid confusion.
3. Establish boundaries: Some couples find it helpful to establish how often they’ll talk, how they will communicate, and how best to handle their finances. Clear guidelines for separation can help prevent mix-ups and make you both feel more comfortable during this time.
4. Set a parenting plan: Creating a loving and stable parenting schedule for your kids will help them feel secure. Regular parenting time lets them know what to expect, which is important for their sense of stability and happiness. In mediation, you can develop a detailed parenting plan that establishes a foundation for healthy co-parenting during trial separation.
5. Seek support: You don’t have to go through this alone. Lean on friends, family, or marriage counselors who can offer you support and an understanding ear. Carefully consider how you share intimate information with friends and family. Keep in mind that they shouldn’t feel like they need to start “taking sides.” Seek professional help if feelings and emotions become overwhelming.
6. Prepare financially: Knowing who will take care of which bills clears up any confusion and helps keep surprises at bay. These things can help relieve any extra stress you and your spouse experience during the separation.
7. Schedule check-ins: Agree on regular times to check in with each other to discuss how the separation is going. Check-ins, especially when planned, keep the lines of communication open. It is helpful to meet in a neutral public place.
8. Reflect on your personal growth: Use this time to focus on what you want for your life. Think about your personal challenges and how best to address them.
9. Be honest with each other: Share your discoveries and emotions with your spouse and let them do the same as you move through the trial process. This honesty opens the door to deeper understanding in your relationship.
10. Prepare for all possible outcomes: You and your spouse might reconcile, decide to stay apart longer, or choose to end the marriage after the trial separation. Keeping an open mind and looking for the opportunities your separation presents is important.
11. Avoid outside complications: Stay focused on the reason(s) for your trial separation. Avoid letting new relationships or other distractions sway you from your goals.
12. Use mediation services: If the separation feels tricky, a mediator can help you and your spouse navigate the rough patches. They don’t take sides; instead, they facilitate conversation to help make the path forward as smooth as possible.
With these tips and an open heart, you and your spouse can create a future that works for both of you. Getting to know yourselves and what you want will help you make decisions about how best to move forward.
A trial separation doesn’t have to have a set time frame. It really depends on how much time you and your spouse need to figure things out.
After spending some time apart, when you are both ready, the two of you can decide to:
If you decide to get back together, making a plan to continue to nurture your relationship is key. Couples therapy can be helpful during this transition. A counselor or therapist can guide you through any marital issues you’re facing.
Should you choose to legally separate or divorce, consider working with a mediator to have a simple, positive, and healthy process. The things you learned about yourselves during your trial separation will be helpful as you continue to work together in mediation.
Choosing legal separation means you’ll still be legally married but you will live a significant portion of your lives on your own. You will both need to make important decisions, like how you will handle finances. You’ll need an official parenting plan to outline your weekly parenting time schedule with the kids.
Some spouses choose a legal separation in order to allow a spouse to stay on the other spouse’s insurance. Others use it as a method of protecting one spouse from the financial risks of the other spouse. You and your spouse can design a separation that works best for both of you.
In the event that you make the decision to divorce, being kind and patient with each other can go a long way toward ensuring the well-being of both of you and your children. A divorce mediator is an excellent resource who will provide information, support and guidance. They will help you both find an agreeable solution that works for everyone and is in the best interests of your children.
Trial separations give spouses time to reflect and decide on their future, whether that means permanent separation, divorce, or reconciliation. It offers a chance for both clarity and growth, which can lead to clear communication and boundary-setting.
Guidance from a professional mediator can help you during this time. If you’re thinking about a trial separation, The Aurit Center tailors our support to your unique situation. In doing so, we can help you find the best path forward.
Schedule a free 1-hour consultation to learn more about how an Aurit Center Certified Mediator can help you navigate this difficult time with peace and understanding.
