How to Practice Self-Determination During Divorce

The Power of Self-Determination

Most people go through divorce feeling like they aren’t in control. Lawyers drive the process, judges make the rules, and people share their perspectives whether you ask for it or not. It can be overwhelming, and make you feel helpless.

It’s important to know that you do not have to feel this way. You can be in control. Self-Determination is all about trusting that you are the expert on your own life. It means building your new future, brick by brick, based on what matters most to you. Mediation supports your self-determination and helps you regain control of your life.

Be Your Own Expert: Trust Your Inner Voice

In the legal world, everyone has an opinion. But only you know your life.

Psychologists have found that humans have three basic needs to feel happy and healthy: Autonomy (feeling free to choose), Competence (feeling capable), and Relatedness (feeling connected). When going through a divorce, all three can feel “at risk”. But in divorce mediation, you stay in control and your mediator guides you to help you make the best decisions for your continued well-being. 

Autonomy means listening to your “gut feeling.” In the heat of a legal battle, it is easy to get swept up in the conflict. Before you fight for a piece of furniture or a bank account, ask yourself: “Does this align with who I want to be?” This requires a fundamental shift in perspective. Move away from the defensive question of “What can I get?” and toward the empowered question of “Who do I want to be?”

If your gut tells you a legal process feels too aggressive or “wrong” for you, listen to it. You are the one who has to live with the results! One of the first and most important decisions you will make is how you choose to divorce, through litigation in court, or through online mediation. 

Get the Right Help: The “Discernment” Pause

One of the biggest mistakes people make is rushing into legal battles before they are emotionally ready. Just because you are unhappy does not mean you have to hire attorneys and fight. 

If you are unsure how you want to proceed, take some time to explore your options. Consider Discernment Counseling which is a short-term process (usually 1 to 5 sessions) designed to help you make a confident decision. It can help you and your spouse choose one of three specific paths so you don’t look back with regret. 

Prioritize Self-Care: Protect Your Brain

If you decide to divorce, your brain can feel under attack by stress hormones like cortisol. This activates your “amygdala”—the part of the brain that spots danger. When the amygdala is loud, the “thinking part” of your brain (the prefrontal cortex) goes quiet. You might feel foggy, forgetful, or panicked. 

You need to manually reset your brain. Here are two science-backed ways to do it:

The “Optic Flow” Walk

When you feel overwhelmed, do not sit on the couch. Go outside and walk forward. Keep your head up and look at the horizon.

• The Science: As you move forward, objects pass by your eyes. This is called “optic flow.” It tells the deep parts of your brain, “We are moving. We are not trapped.” This quiets the fear center of your brain and helps you think clearly again. 

Write a Story, Don’t Just Vent

Journaling is great, but be careful. Research shows that just writing about how angry you are (venting) can actually make you feel worse. It keeps your body in a state of stress.

• The Fix: Use “Narrative Writing.” Write a story with a beginning, middle, and end. Try to find meaning in what happened. “I learned that I am strong because…” This type of writing lowers your heart rate and helps you heal. 

Actively Participate: It’s Your Life

It is tempting to hand a box of papers to your lawyer and say, “You handle it.” But that is how you lose control. Remember, to practice self-determination, you must be an active participant.

At Aurit Mediation, you and your spouse can begin by learning more in a free, no obligation consultation with an expert attorney-mediator. Your mediator will explain the mediation process, answer all of your questions and give you a personalized flat fee for your entire process. 

After the consultation, you’ll:

• Understand your options. You don’t have to turn over your control to a divorce attorney who might even tell you NOT to communicate with your spouse, which only leads to more conflict. There’s a better way.
• Understand the numbers.  When you know exactly how much money is in the bank and what the debts are, you are no longer afraid of the unknown. In Arizona, all divorces require Full Financial Disclosure. Aurit Mediation offers a checklist and online intake form to help you with this process. 

Knowledge is power. That said, you don’t have to gather all of the info at once. Take it in small bites and reward yourself for taking 20 minutes to gather a few items and then take a break. Slowly, you will gather all the info and when you understand the details, you can make decisions from a place of calm confidence, not fear.

Shift Perspective: From “Why Me?” to “What Now?”

It is easy to fall into the trap of “I am a victim” or “I am a failure.” But those aren’t your only choices. 

You can shift your mindset to that of an Artist.

• The Old Portrait: Your marriage was a painting you worked on together. Over time, the colors faded or the perspective changed. It happens.
• The Blank Canvas: Divorce is the white space. It can be intimidating because it’s empty, but it’s also full of potential.
• The Masterpiece: You are now the sole artist. You choose the palette, the brushstrokes, and the subject matter. You decide what the finished piece looks like.

From this moment forward, you are not walking through this alone. The Aurit team is here to support you in deciding what is best for you now and into the future. Visit Auritmediation.com to learn more or give us a call at 480-999-7399. We are here to help.